the dancer part 1

We are only as sick as our secrets.

All of us have some childhood story, where we had a deep desire to be or do something and someone, well meaning or not, told us it wasn't a good idea, or laid out the reasons why we couldn't.  

I as a child loved dance and after kick ball changing in my school gymnasium in my bathing suit and tap shoes was hooked.  I also was a charily sweet short chubby little munchkin who had far more excitement then talent.  One day I decided I was going to be a ballerina and I was told I didn't have the right legs for it.  AKA - too fat.

Sometimes a message around what we want most becomes too hard to bear.  The message becomes even stronger than the dream itself.  So I put it away.  Locked it somewhere safe within and left it alone.  I played sports instead.  I moved on.

So cut to now - many years later, and I keep seeing healers and teachers and Guru's and they all tell me the same thing - to heal yourself - to go to the next level - you must dance.

You can run, but you can't hide.

So I walked into Steps on Broadway, outfit and ballet flats in tow and I took my first ballet class.  When they asked if anyone was new only myself and a six year old raised our hands.  Yes.  I was that girl.

What I thought was about to be yet another dance humiliation, changed me in a way I could never have known.  I moved, as best I could, and after class I cried.  And I didn't stop crying for a very long time.  Honestly, I am still crying.

Something moved.  Some pain.  Some forgotten self came to the surface and I loved her, and I missed her.

So I kept showing up and I realized - my teacher was right - my body was NOT made to be a ballerina.  I was (am) a terrible ballerina - but somehow - just even attempting to move in this new way changed me.  I didn't become a dancer, but I did become song I had never been before.

Yoga says that to do a pose in its integrity you always want FUNCTION over FORM.  You want the FUNCTION of the pose - you want the muscles to stretch or lengthen that the pose is designed to stretch and lengthen.  You don't want theFORM which is how it LOOKS.

You want to focus on how it feels, and what moves when you breath into the discomfort.  NOT the cover of yoga journal pretzel shape that makes you look good and hold your breath.  Heaven forbid anyone find out how hard it is :)

So many of us are CONSUMED with form.  CONSUMED with what we look like or how we are perceived or hat the world or a CD or our parents think of us.  We forget that we are here to FEEL and to experience our plethora of fears, emotions, loves, losses, joys and griefs.  THAT is actually what makes us an artist.  Not making it look good.

Okay - now I feel all the share shame.  See?  It runs deep.

I invite you this week to ask yourself if there is something inside of you that you shut down or turned off when the "form" of it didn't "look good" on you.

And are you willing and brave enough now to trust that you are ready to bring it back to the light?  And if you do, you will astonish yourself, not with how great you are at it, or how good you look doing or being it, but how free you are.  How loved you are.  How you get to show yourself your true genius.

If you have dimmed your light - share!  It may bring up shame - I get it.  Share anyway.  We are only as sick as our secrets and it is time for us to stand in our mess, our flaws, our imperfections and say, yes, we are still worthy of love.  Now, even more so.

Natalie


Om WorkJen Rudolph